I’m trying with every thing inside myself to not lose it. I’m struggling to not fall into the cycle I have been in before. I don’t want to curse you because if I place negativity upon you I will only get it back and it will be worse for me. It already is worse for me, but I’m trying not to focus on that fact. I’m trying to see this ending on a positive note for my future. I’m trying.

I’m having a fucking incredibly hard time with all this trying. If I lose it, I’m sorry, but I am hopeful I will never have to be in this position regarding this matter ever again.

I work the night shift and I am lucky enough to be able to work from home. My attire gets a little dull seeing as it mainly comfy sweats or pj’s. I have a closet full of cute clothing that I hardly ever wear until I feel inspired to give myself a little boost. Also, I feel like it’s time to give the manfriend a little treat because sweats aren’t the sophisticated sexy I know I can show. So, I’ll look for a casual cute outfit that perfectly hugs my curves and makes me feel like smiling when I look in the mirror. I’ll take the time to style my flowing curly hair instead of tying it up in a ponytail. I spritz on my favorite perfume. I might even be dashing and do a little five minute face of makeup. I browse the jewelry box for some earrings and possibly a bracelet to accent the outfit. Oh, and the unmentionables will be quite tartalicious because only I know what’s in store for the one who finds them.

It doesn’t take me long to feel completely different about myself. There is a breeze of confidence and happiness following me out of the bathroom and into the day. And then, I encounter man, Beastly Annoyingus, and I make a decision that will change the course of the day. I will never get dolled up for a man again. Mostly, I do it for myself but I’d be lying if I said a piece of it isn’t for them because it feels great to be noticed. But, the ship has sailed Annoyingus. I’m only dolling myself up for women from now on. They notice everything you have done plus the things you didn’t think anyone would notice. And, they tell you all about it. They brighten up your day and you brighten theirs because you tell them where you got this fantastic shirt or pair of shoes. At least it wouldn’t feel like a wasted effort. Well, I guess it’s never a waste because it made me feel fantastic for the 30 minutes it took me to get ready. The slow decline of happiness after my encounter with Beastly Annoyingus makes me think, I’d rather be back in my pj’s. But, i just have to remember the only person I want to impress is myself.

I really don’t care if it is a supposed norm, it is always going to bother me. I’m always going to hate it. I’m always going to feel inferior and inadequate because of it. And that is never going to change, ever.

I am very tired of many things. I am mostly tired of thinking about how tired I am of these things.

I know I am not supposed to be tired of giving but I really am. Giving in all ways, in all aspects, and in all situations. I’m tired of giving because I am tired of people taking and never thinking about what they should be giving.

I’m tired of every selfish person and every selfish move they make from the smallest thing to the biggest thing. I know deep down we are all have a selfishness and taking way about us but try a little harder to see that it might be nice to give instead of just taking what you want because it might actually make someone else feel fantastic.

I’m tired of the inconsiderate uncaring nature that people show without even realizing how they made someone else feel, but as soon as someone makes them feel the hurt it can cause they don’t hesitate to tell the world how they have been wronged.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of trying without getting anywhere. I’m tired of not bothering because I don’t know what to do anymore and it not even being noticed.

Mostly, I am extremely tired of letting these things interfere with my happiness, but the problem is it’s not solely in my power to change.

That brings me to another thing I am tired of…

…apparently, this is never going to end.

My camera travels with me everywhere. I take pictures of mostly everything including events, scenery, people, and anything I might find interesting. I am constantly ridiculed because of my picture taking obsession, but I never let that stop me. To me, pictures are a way to capture a feeling. Pictures are a way to remember exactly how I/we was/were feeling in a moment, and I will always be able to tell the story like it just happened yesterday. This weekend I realized there is only one place I never take pictures. The camera is ready to go but I never ever take it out to record the moment. I never take pictures at a funeral and it’s not because it shouldn’t be remembered. It’s a celebration of a life as well as the grieving of a loss, but I just don’t take any pictures. And, there are plenty of moments to be remembered. The gorgeous flowers, the beautiful final resting place, the grieving family with their backs toward the camera embracing each other at the grave of the one the will have to live without, and the people looking on who will always be there for them. I’m not really sure why I don’t. But, I do know that I will never forget the feeling regardless of whether I get to capture snapshots or not.

I will call you out on your bullshit every time. That’s how I roll.

I don’t do it for you. I do it for myself. Always have, always have to.